Eremophobia.

 Eremophobia; the fear of being alone or loneliness.

Yeah, I am pretty sure I have this.

Weird, right?

I've always been the most independent person in the world.

I still am.

Always will be.

But lately I am terrified to be by myself. 
Even for a minute.

Pathetic right?!

 

I hate how I can be in a room filled with people 
& still feel alone.
Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends. I just don't see them much.

Changing subjects for a second..........

For some reason, I am always drawn to those (or they are drawn to me) who have major trials in their life.

Family issues//depression//drugs... whatever.

I am always the one they come to.

They don't even necessarily come to me, they are just put in my life somehow.

WHY?

I have been told it's because I have a huge heart.

& I have a lot to offer.

I guess I do?

I love helping people.

I want to be a therapist someday.
I am never the talker. 
ALWAYS the listener.
(I am pretty sure I blog because it's one of the only ways I open up.)
Hmm, maybe it needs to be the other way for a minute.

I have to make sure people I care about (even people I hardly even know!) are happy before I let myself truly be happy...

In a way, seeing other people happy is what truly makes me happy.

Kinda changing subject again....

Literally, every person I have gotten close to... leaves for a long period of time.

It's weird.
It is sad I am getting used to it though.
 

I am kind of getting scared to get close to anyone now.
& I am kind of forcing myself to be alone with out really knowing it at the time.


My best friend, Elizabeth, left for Arizona today. 
Who knows for how long....

My boyfriend for the last two and half years left for Missouri today 
& right when he gets home he leaves to California for his mission for two years...

I am freakin out.

I am not quite sure where life is taking me at the moment.


So many decisions.
Move out?
Buy a laptop or computer?
Work?
What school in the fall?


Life keeps getting harder and harder every day.
I am still trying to stay strong and positive.
It's getting really hard at this point.
Oh well, this is how life is.
I  need to take it how it is.
Just gotta keep smiling.

Wow. This sounds selfish and doesn't make much sense.

If you actually read this, thanks.