Secret trial.

It is difficult for me to be this open and vulnerable about myself, but it is very crucial. This post is very personal but I am confident enough to say certain things. The people who I truly want and need in my life won't judge me because of this. If you don't want hear negative things than please don't read this.  I am the type of person who speaks my mind no matter what and I honestly don't care if people think negatively about it. I feel prompted to write this this post.

My whole life I have suffered from severe anxiety and OCD, lately it has turned into severe depression. It is a chemical imbalance. It is a real mental disorder. It is NOT something I do for attention or to be dramatic. Nobody will truly understand this unless you have been through it yourself or watched a loved one deal with this. The worst thing anyone can say to somebody who suffers from this is "get over it!". It is not that easy. That is like telling somebody with cancer to get better. It is part of me and I have come to accept that it is something that I will always have to deal with, maybe even for the rest of my life. I know that I am a strong person and I can do it.

Everybody has there own story to tell. Everyone has there own background. Everyone has there own trials. This is one of mine. Heavenly Father gave me this because it is a trial. He wouldn't give me a trial that he knew I couldn't over come or deal with. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. <sup>-Proverbs 3: 5-6

 This is a talk given by Elder Richard G. Scott that I absolutely love. 
   http://lds.org/ensign/2002/11/to-be-free-of-heavy-burdens?lang=eng</sup>

These last couple of months have been difficult for me. Off and on. I have been in a dark place. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time out of no where. I was having suicidal thoughts. I tried contacting several people for help in any way. Only two girls were there for me. Two girls I have never even met. Those are the kind of people that I need in my life. THANK YOU! Those girls saved my life that night. I am also taking a break in school to get better. I am getting the help I need. I am surrounding myself with good people and changing my way of thinking.

If you know me, you know that I am a strong person. I try to be incredibly happy all the time but sometimes my depression kicks me in the butt. Honestly, about 75% of my smiles and laughs are fake. If you don't know me super well you are probably thinking, what the I thought she was fine! "You gotta fake it until you make it."

Please don’t bottle up your emotions and feelings. Talk about it to those around you. Ask your friends how they are doing. Be real with each other. I have lost friends to suicide. Many people struggle with cutting, depression, eating disorders, and low self-esteem just to name a few. I've watched too many of my friends live miserably. No one is better than anyone. No one’s feelings are less than anyone else’s. Please talk to someone. Ask for help! There are people who want to help!! I am one of those people!

I am studying psychology and social work. I AM going to help people (mostly youth) with drug/alcohol addictions and any kind of mental disorders. I want to work in a mental hospital. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet. I have a huge heart. Not trying to brag or whatever. I just want to help those who need it because when I have those dark moments I would do anything for a friend.