Venting in a blog.

Lately I have felt like a stranger to myself.

I sleep almost 13 hours a day. FORCEFULLY.

Until, I have those nightmares which are going to come true here soon.

It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed.

I am so scared.

I have no appetite.

When I do eat, it’s chocolate.

When I am around people I try my hardest to hold back tears.

When I am alone I can’t stop the tears.

I am always alone.

It's getting harder to fake a smile.

I haven’t stopped trying though.

I pretty much live in my car or in my bed these days.

I go days without talking to a single person.

I have random episodes of panic attacks.

I buy things that I can't or afford or need just to make myself feel better.

The Office is the only thing that can manage to put a smile on my face.

This is not me.

This is not the happy, loving, chill, carefree Lindsay.

This is not who I want to be.

I want//need to have fun.

I want//need to live.

I want//need to laugh. 

I want//need to write music.

I want//need to know I will be okay.

I want//need to feel comforted.

I want//need friends who are always there for me.

My best friend is leaving in less than two months for over two years.

Jared is going to be serving in the California, Riverside mission.

He'll be an amazing missionary.

I am freaking out though.

I don't know what I am going to do when he is gone.

I may sound a bit selfish. Sorry.

This last year has been the hardest time of my life.

So many horrible things have happened to me and my family.

It is all catching up to me and hitting me hard.

I truly am trying to stay positive.

Sometimes you just need to let it all out though.

I refuse to let it build up anymore.

I am writing this blog because I feel like I have nobody to talk to and this is a kind of way for me to vent.

Call me weird. Whatever.

I want to scream because I have nobody to talk to.

"Reaching out for a hand, but it's not there."

My whole life I have always been the one to help others. I have always been there. I even want to be a therapist when I grow up. When is it my turn?

Don't tell me to "get over it" or "you're making yourself that way". 

Be my friend and be there for me.

Lately, many of my friends have randomly decided that they don't want to be my friend anymore.

It is killing me.

I haven't done anything wrong.

I am trying so hard to have the people I need in my life there again.

I want to keep my self busy this summer.

Do I work full time at Subway? (Which I am sooo sick of.)

Find a second job and keep Subway? (Which is impossible to find right now.)

Summer school and Subway? (Same old repetitive life...)

Or take the risk of having a social life with the chance of it failing... along with Subway??

Or spend all my $$$ on Vacations??

Decisions decisions......

Hmm, maybe I need to go to a punk show and dance.

Flogging Molly May 5th! Hell yeah. (P.S. they are coming with Hollywood Undead? WTF! Maybe beating the shit out of some people will make me feel better. Pahaha.) 

Hopefully, my blogs won't be this depressing.

I just needed to let a few things out.

If you wasted your time reading this. Thanks. I love you.

"LIFE GOES ON".