Diaray post

The last few years of my life have been a fight.
Whether it's relationships, friendships,school, jobs...
anything and everything 
I try try try and get nothing in return.
It is getting too exhausting.
I am so sick of fighting.
Somebody or something come to me for a change
Or some kind of luck or miracle needs to happen.
JUST ONCE.
I am becoming like a zombie.
Some days I don't even remember what happened throughout the day.
Not because I am taking too many meds... 
just because I am mentally in a fog.
It is scary.
The days I do take meds I am always tempted to take way too many.
Whether it is to make me stop thinking or just feel something other than rejection or failure or loneliness or anything.
It is not like I am trying to kill myself. 
I am just trying to feel.
The worst part is if I did more than hurt myself, I wouldn't even care.
I don't get it. 
I am trying sooo damn hard............